SPECIALTIES
Shame Counselling & Self-Compassion in
Vancouver, BC
Shame has a way of making you feel like you are the problem, rather than someone who has been carrying something heavy for a long time. If you live with a harsh inner voice, a quiet sense of not being enough, or a fear of being truly seen, that isn’t a flaw in your character. It’s something you learned, usually for good reasons, and it can change. You don’t have to keep working on it alone.
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UNDERSTANDING THE EXPERIENCE
Shame counselling in Vancouver: making sense of the inner critic
Shame isn’t a character flaw. It’s one of the oldest ways humans learn to stay safe in a group. If you grew up where love felt conditional, where mistakes were punished, or where being different carried a cost, a harsh inner voice may have been how you tried to stay acceptable, getting ahead of criticism before anyone else could deliver it. It probably worked, in its way. The trouble is that it doesn’t know when to stop, and for many adults it becomes a constant background hum of “I’m too much,” “I should be further along,” or “if people really knew me…”
In therapy, we don’t try to argue the critic into silence or replace it with forced positivity. Drawing on Narrative Therapy, we treat it as a voice you inherited rather than a fact about you, and get curious about where it learned its lines, what it fears will happen if it quiets down, and what it’s protecting. From there, self-compassion stops being a slogan and becomes something you can practise: a steadier, kinder way of being with yourself, built slowly in a relationship where you don’t have to perform.
Shame often travels with other experiences. For people who have spent years in a world that didn’t fit how their brain works, it can sit underneath a late diagnosis, which is part of why I also offer neurodiversity-affirming therapy. For others it hides inside achievement, where worth feels earned only through output, and it often surfaces as exhaustion. If that sounds familiar, you may also find burnout counselling for tech professionals relevant.
Signs that shame may be part of what you’re carrying
A harsh inner voice that criticizes you more than you would ever criticize anyone else
Replaying moments of embarrassment or perceived failure long after they’ve passed
Difficulty accepting praise, or feeling like a fraud when things go well
Perfectionism, or avoiding things for fear of getting them wrong
Hiding parts of yourself (your needs, your history, your opinions) to stay acceptable
Apologizing constantly, or feeling responsible for other people’s moods
Difficulty asking for help, or feeling like a burden when you do
A fear that if people really knew you, they would pull away
Feeling “too much” or “not enough,” sometimes both in the same day
Numbing, overworking, or withdrawing when the inner voice gets loud
MY APPROACH
How I work with shame and self-criticism
Shame thrives in hiding, which means the way we work matters as much as what we work on. I don’t push you to disclose anything before you’re ready, and I’m not interested in fixing you. My starting point is that the inner critic developed for a reason, and understanding that reason is usually more effective than trying to fight it.
Narrative Therapy is at the centre of this work. It lets us separate you from the voice that has been narrating your life, and look at where its rules came from and whose voice it really is. Mindfulness practices build the capacity to notice self-criticism as it arises, without being swept along by it, and to respond with some warmth instead of agreement. Depth Work explores what lies underneath: the early experiences, relationships, and protective strategies that shame grew out of.
Narrative Therapy
The inner critic often speaks as if it were simply the truth about you. Narrative Therapy helps separate you from that voice, trace where it learned its lines, and find the evidence, usually abundant, for a more accurate and kinder account of who you are.
Mindfulness
Self-compassion isn’t something you can think your way into. Mindfulness practices help you notice the moment shame arises, stay with it without being overwhelmed, and begin to meet yourself the way you would meet someone you care about.
Depth Work
Shame rarely starts in adulthood. Depth Work creates space to understand where it began, what it has been protecting, and what becomes possible when you no longer need it to keep you safe.
WHO I WORK WITH
You might be looking for this support if…
You’re capable, and by most measures successful, but the voice in your head never lets up. Whatever you achieve, it moves the goalposts. You’re tired of being kind to everyone except yourself, and you suspect that no amount of accomplishment is going to quiet it.
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You learned early that love had conditions, or that parts of you were too much, too sensitive, or too different. You’ve become very good at managing how others see you, and now you’re exhausted by the gap between the person you present and the person you feel like underneath. You’d like to be known, and you’re scared of what that would mean.
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Something happened, a failure, an ending, something you did or didn’t do, and you can’t stop replaying it. Other people seem to have moved on, and you haven’t. You’re not sure whether what you’re feeling is guilt, shame, or both, and you’d like help telling the difference without being told to just go easier on yourself.
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THE PROCESS
What to expect from shame counselling at Grounded Practice
The First Session
The first session is a conversation, not an examination. We’ll talk about what’s brought you in and what the inner critic tends to say, and you decide how much to share. Many people worry they’ll have to say the most shameful things out loud right away. You don’t. Trust is built first, and we go at a pace that feels safe.
Ongoing Work
Shame work tends to move gradually. Early on, we often focus on noticing: when the critic shows up, what it says, and what it’s reacting to. Over time the work moves toward understanding where it came from and building a different relationship with yourself that holds up under pressure. Some people find real relief within a few months, and others do deeper work over a longer period. Sessions are typically weekly, and we check in regularly about how it’s going.
In-person sessions are available in Vancouver, BC. Online therapy is available across British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Newfoundland, Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut via secure video.
FAQs
Common questions about shame counselling
What’s the difference between shame and guilt?
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Guilt says “I did something wrong”; shame says “I am something wrong.” Guilt can point toward repair, while shame tends to push toward hiding or perfecting. Both are common and both can be worked with, but shame usually needs a different approach, because changing behaviour doesn’t touch the belief underneath.
Can therapy actually change chronic self-criticism, or is it just my personality?
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Harsh self-criticism feels like personality because it’s been around so long, but it’s usually a learned pattern rather than a fixed trait. I can’t promise it disappears, but many people find it loosens: the voice gets quieter, less believable, and easier to respond to with something other than agreement. It takes time and isn’t linear.
Do I have to talk about the things I’m most ashamed of?
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Not before you’re ready, and sometimes not in detail at all. Shame often eases through being understood rather than through confession. You set the pace, and we can work with the feeling and its patterns without you having to relive every memory attached to it.
It’s a common worry, and it usually comes from the belief that the inner critic is what keeps you functioning. In practice, most people find the opposite: harshness tends to produce avoidance and exhaustion, while a steadier, kinder relationship with yourself makes it easier to take responsibility, change, and keep going. Self-compassion is not the absence of standards. It’s what makes them sustainable.
Isn’t self-compassion just letting myself off the hook?
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OTHER AREAS OF SUPPORT
You may also be looking for help with…
Anxiety & Depression
Shame, anxiety, and low mood feed each other: the critic raises the stakes, and the stakes raise the dread. If what you’re carrying feels broader than self-criticism alone, this work is often best addressed together.
Trauma & PTSD
Shame is one of the most common aftereffects of difficult early experiences, and it often carries beliefs that were never really yours. Trauma-informed work addresses where those beliefs began.
Burnout, Transitions & Recovery
Shame can drive overextension, and overextension can deepen shame. If you’ve been proving your worth through output for a long time, this page explores the recovery from that pattern.
READY TO BEGIN?
Not sure this is what you need? That’s a fine place to start.
A free 15-minute call is just a conversation, with no forms, no commitment, and no need to have the right words. We’ll see whether working together feels like a fit.
Online in: BC · AB · SK · MB · NL · YT · NT · NU, I look forward to hearing what brings you to counselling